Saturday, February 11, 2012

What do you think???

I LOVE to write so I'll probably put posts on about things I've written sometimes. I won an award at school for this story (well, part of a story it's far from finished!) What do you think?

 So let me just start by saying, this will most definitely be the strangest story you have ever read, ever. My name is Evangeline Ravenwood; I am a 13 year old girl with a massive dream. I have a brother named Jasper, a baby sister, Angelica, a mum and a dad. What’s so strange about that? Well, they’re all dead. Jasper.  Angelica. Mum. Dad.  All dead.  Except me.
 But get this; even though I’m not dead I still have to go to Mr. Caezar’s School for the Mystical and Magically Talented. And that’s where I am right now. It takes two milliseconds to zap here, that’s long enough to read all of Jane Peterson’s books, and trust me she has written a lot of books.  “Evangeline!”  That’s Mrs. Cardigan, she’s such a cranky old dragon.
Literally. Miss Cardi is my English teacher, and now I’m in trouble again. 
 “Evangeline Ravenwood!” she roars, flame licking out her nostrils “Detention! Again!” I swear she bottles up all her anger just so she can take it out on me. So unfair.
 Finally the bell rings and I fly out the classroom door before it has even stopped ringing. My next class is history, with Mr. Johnsonson; He’s a werewolf. An awesome werewolf.
 I take my seat in the back row, and “Morning Evangeline, you’re early today.” “Hey Mr. J, have u seen Sebastian yet?” Sebastian is my best friend. He’s a cloud walker. He can travel anywhere just by thinking about the place he wants to go to .It’s a pretty cool power. But unlike me he wasn’t born with powers. He was given them.
 As soon as I was born I could read minds. But more impressively I could speak Whitchen, the language only known to the ancient Hags of the Overworld.  That’s what I am; only I’m a new and improved Hag of the Underworld.
 “Hey, witch lady, how ya doin’?” great, Warrick Hungering is still alive, what a shame; he’s my worst enemy, has been since he drained my pet rabbit in year 1. Warrick is a vampire… thank god he’s not a Mind Viewer or a Thought Giver. Thought Givers put thoughts, believe it or not, in your mind and get you to do crazy things, like eating your own arm off. This actually happened at our school, once, to a zombie named Gertrude. “Leave me alone Warrick.”I warn “or what? You’ll turn me into a vampire bat?” he says snidely, “You’ll be lucky if I turn you into a coffee mug, an extremely ugly one.” Then right at that moment Sebastian walks into the room.  Warrick won’t bother me when I’m with Seb; he’s not that stupid, unfortunately. “Hey Eva, ooh, you dyed your hair, I like it.” He compliments. “Hey Seb, it’s not too bright? I thought it was” I reply nervously. “No, red is definitely your colour.” I love Seb so much; he always knows what to say, and what not to think, when he’s around me. Even though he can block me out pretty good these days it must be hard having a friend that can read your mind.  Sometimes it’s hard enough just being able to read minds.
 We take our seats at the back of the class. Just as the others start filing through the door I open my bag and realise that I have left my history books at home. How smart is that? History always seems to go for way longer than any other lesson, but today it went pretty fast, because we were doing an exam on Ancient Witchen cultures…. I’m so going to ace it.
 After history its lunch time, my favourite subject, I grab my lunch out of my locker and go sit at the ‘outcast table’ with Seb, his girlfriend Jezabell and her twin sister Isabell.  ‘Hey Flamey’ Sebastian thinks at me. “Stick a sock in it, or I’ll tell your mum what you did in year 3” I threaten, I can’t even remember what  he did anymore, I just know it was bad and that he was extremely embarrassed about it. “You wouldn’t dare” he says shyly, “oh but I would” I laugh at him. I open my sandwich and realise that I have Jasper’s lunch, great now I have to go to the ‘Super Snob’ table to give it to him. “Seb, come for a walk?” I ask, he nods slightly and stands up, waiting. We walk over to jasper and I hand him his lunch. “What’s doin’ little sis?” he asks cockily. “Just give me my lunch Jasper” he is so annoying, “no, not until you show these guys some Witchen, coz they don’t believe me.” Seb grabs my arm, and I grab my drum stick wand out of my pocket, “ooh, I’ll show them some Witchen” I slowly wave the drumstick wand in small circles around the closest girl’s head and chant “Incante Excante, Yehldephi, Yehldephi, Excante Incante” my eyes flash bright red for half a second and then the girl starts to shrink, her body contorting and twisting, her limbs bending in the wrong places as another one grows, she tries to scream but only a strangled whimper escapes from her furry lips... finally the transformation stops, and sitting in jasper’s lap is a mangy black cat. I turn to leave just as Ms. Treae yells my name across the lunch room. I don’t take any notice and just walk straight to Principle Caezar’s office, yes, our school principle is Julian Caezar, and he’s immortal, which kinda sucks.
“Yeah, it was me; I turned ‘Barbie’ into a feral cat. What are you going to do about it? Suspend me? Call my mum?” Jules and I are on a first name basis these days, he sees me about 5 times a day, 7 if I really try my hardest. “Who are you?” questions the man behind the desk, “where’s Caezar?” I ask him, puzzled. “Oh, that old fart? He was sacked by the Department of Monsterfercation, I’m in charge now.” He snorts happily. “Well I’ll have you know, I am Evangeline Ravenwood. And you shall be seeing me about once an hour, every day, coz apparently I’m always doing something wrong.” He smiles knowingly, and then winks at me. I blush, without realising, until he thinks, about me blushing and then I realise, coz I read his mind without realising until I had done it. My life is confusing.  “So what are you here for? You turned someone into a cat?” now he’s the puzzled one. “Mhm, I turned the head Sneer Leader into a black cat.” I proudly reply. “Cool, we’ll see you later then. Go enjoy your lunch break” and that was it, I didn’t even get another Detention. “Thanks Mr... Healington” I say, straining to read the plaque on his desk as I leave the room.  
By the time I had a chat with Alex Summerton, the school receptionist thing; it was finally time to go home. Everyone calls Alex a ‘thing’ because we kinda don’t know if it’s a he or a she due to the large amount of scales and feathers that cover its whole body.  It’s pretty cool. 
As I run out the front door of the school Warrick suddenly jumps in front of me, I crash into him and we both go sprawling down the steps. I look down, noticing my skirt up around my waist and my knickers showing. Jumping up, I sprint to my dragon and fly home as fast as I can.  I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. Note to self; buy some black underwear, pink is embarrassing.
I park my dragon, Fluffy, under the tree in front of my house and walk inside. Mum’s in the kitchen cooking hamster and bat casserole for dinner, so I sit on the stool near the counter. “How was your day today, goulgeous?” she asks flashing her perfect smile, “All right, I guess, my magic’s getting better, so that’s good.”  I reply hurriedly, “oh really?  Have you turned the Sneer Leaders into feral cats yet?”  Mum actually encourages me to try my magic on my peers, she’s so awesome. “Yeah, I turned ‘Barbie’ into a mangy fur ball, and then Ms Treae sent me to go see Principle Caesar,” by the time I relayed the whole story Jasper was home, Angelica had woken up from her midnight nap and the sun was rising. Time for bed.
Now that I’m settled in bed, I should probably tell you what my family look like. Mum, Dad, Jasper and Angelica are basically walking, talking skeletons. They have black hair and red eyes. But I am a normal girl with fake red hair. I’m a blonde. A ‘Barbie’. A natural Sneer Leader. And we’re all nocturnal.
I pull out my Ephone and log into Skull Scroll, the best social networking site in the underworld.  I look at my friend requests and, guess who wants to be my friend? ‘Barbie’! Someone must have turned her back to her usually horrible self. Accept? Decline? Accept? Decline? Decline...there is no way I am adding her.
I wake up the next morning with my phone stuck to the side of my face, shame much? I jump up, grab my clothes from the bed stand and run to the bathroom. When I’m about 2 meters away Jasper tackles me from behind, then races through the door and locks it behind him. I peal myself off the floor and skulk back to my room.
When I’m lying on my bed, my Ephone beeps “ooh, I got a message”
What do u dream about when go 2 sleep at nite?   It’s from a number I don’t recognise, but I answer it anyway, I dream about being dead like the rest of my family. Who is this anyway? It only takes a few seconds to get a reply I’m new here, u don’t know me yet but u will soon.
Jasper finally comes out of the bathroom, leaving me just enough time to get ready. I shower and put on my favourite black dress and make-up. As I bend to tie up my battered converse squeakers, I notice another message on my phone; Meet me at the bat tree in the corner of the yard as soon as you get to school. It’s from the same mysterious number as before. As I walk in the school gate the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen is casually leaning against the bat tree.  I try to look just as calm as he does as I stroll toward him.

Hope you like it! I'm going to try and finish it soon!
Happy reading, 


  1. Hey Maxy,
    the idea of your story is really awesome. I can't comment on anything linguistic and grammatical, as I'm not a native speaker and it probably wouldn't be very fair to talk about that. (Nevertheless I didn't notice anything about language that I didn't like or something.)

    I think I really like Eva and Seb. I don't get why her mum encourages Eva to bewitch other students - what mum would actually do that?:D But people are different, so... yeah. Nevermind.
    In my opinion the story was very well written. The only thing I didn't like a lot that you had a lot of "introduction sentences" or "describing sentences" - I don't know how to put them, for example "ow that I’m settled in bed, I should probably tell you what my family look like." I think it would be easier to read the story if you mentioned that in the course of the plot and not some not in the story involved extra information. Do you get what I mean?

    But the idea of this magical school and all the different creatures seems very interesting and well thought to me. You totally got my intention, for example I'm really interested in the new principle (are there going to be changes at the school?) and the random, gorgeous guy at the end.

    I'd love to

  2. Also, I tagged you, Maxy. You can read the whole thing and all about it on my blog:

    I hope you're having a great week :)